Up the Rhone
Looks like we’re on the move again Bosey, we are heading back up the Rhône towards home. Yeah I know pup, and it will be a whole new adventure and quite exciting with loads of swimming places. I know what you mean bruv, but I will miss Ag Mott we made loads of good mates there and had some great adventures. Aye lad, remember when the eejits went off to the beach or up the pub and left us wiv aunty Angie and uncle Hans? They was the best!! Mummylady left ’em a huge bag of treats and toys and we got a whole weeks worth of treats in one afternoon, what a lark! They was really good to us – we even got to chill on the furniture in their luxury kennel. All pooches need a Hans and Angie in their life…..bliss.
Still, the old git did find a good little beach up the creek where we could chase each other around and dive for rocks and sticks every day, eh Brodster. By the way Bosey, how’d you learn to keep your head under water that long when you’re diving for stones? You need to teach me.
Still, I love it when they go out wivout us and feel guilty ‘cos then they take us out in the little boat to say sorry. Oh yeah Brody, like the time when the old git pulled the string fing on the engine while you was showing off walking round on the edges and then fell off into the canal when the boat rocked a bit. Everyone on their kennels that saw it happen all laughed so much they nearly fell in as well! Your such a fecking eejit Brody lad. I didn’t fall in I just fancied a swim Bosey. You keep telling yourself that lad, you keep telling yourself that.
This travelling lark is good though init Bosey? We get to swim every day, go for long walks and when they eat at them cafes we get loads of treats……what’s not to like? I loved that place with the wobbly pontoons where we got to go speeding around in the dingy past them great big ocean going kennels. All them Americans that kept wanting doggy cuddles when they met us and some giving us treats – life is good boy, life is good.
And Bosey, remember that place we was in where we met Mille in the little pub in the river. An eye catching collie, she was real cool and had the run of the place. I think she took shine to me old man but you scared the poop out of her! You need to give out better vibes old boy or you’ll never get the girls. Excuse me you little Essex pikey, who got the most girls in Ag Mott? Nothing to say eh? I rest my case whipper snapper. If you look like a prince, walk like a prince and woof like a prince then you are a prince and all the girls love a prince!
Hey mummylady – look at that little knacker! He’s jumping up onto the top deck on his own! He’s such a feckin’ showoff – but mark my words it will end in disaster when he falls in. Then it’ll be up to me to raise the alarm and get him saved. I mean, if he has to feckin’ sunbathe all the time why can’t he just lie in the side gunnel like I do? What a fecken eejit……but you got to love him eh.
Happy in the Harold
Well Boson old chap I don’t know about you but I’m glad to be away from that Midi place that last stop at Vias was pretty poor for walks. No bleedin’ swimming places either cos were not allowed on the beach! I mean, what’s that all about? I think I heard them say it’s poor poop control by the French, Brody, apparently their to posh to pick up poo……makes me laugh! Yeah I know Bos, and there were too many of them big horsey things going along the tow path. They left their poo everywhere and there was not a poo bag in sight!!
That was a real stress at the funny lock weren’t it? I know Brodster, stupid Frenchman backs his boat into our kennel and then calls the eejits crazy!! Jaysus mummy lady went into full Basildon mode…….she’s scary when her inner chimp gets loose!
Now this place up the real river – I fink it’s called The Harold – is somefink else Bosun! Great swimming right outside the door, lots going on and the canoe place is fun………WOW!! Check out that gorgeous chick Bosey!! I saw her first squirt, back off!! Well hello Mika, you are a cutie for sure!!
Why didn’t you try out the paddley board fing Bosey? It was a right laugh with me and the old git and we never fell in! Not like mummy lady, haha!! I love the way he does all the work while I pose for Mika. It’s not for me boy – I just know it would end in disaster lad! Time for a swim Bos, bleedin’ hot here innit!!
Looks like we are staying for while Brody lad, I heard the old git say it’s a great place to chill and if he likes it we’re in! And look Bos, there’s even a good place to eat like they always look for. Aye, and you know what means Sonny Jim – lots of tit-bits for us!! Back to holiday mode for us Brodster, happy days lad, happy days.
‘Ere Bosey, Iona’s on her way to see me……..woof, woof, woof! Shut up ye feckin eejit, why would she come and see you when a real prince lives here? Oh, how exciting Bos, she’s gone into our kennel to see if there’s room for her to come and stay! Well, it was me that invited her, so back off squirt!!
I heard that nice Lorna lady say she’s done an artistic picture of us – she must think we’re doggy models or sumfink Bosun! She took the picture of me Brodster, you just got in the way! It’s cool though innit Bosey, I look handsome and you look kind of regal! Aye, I have to admit it’s a pretty good picture of us lad, not bad at all!
Banks of the Odd River
Bosun, I’m glad we are leaving the big city and going to the countryside again. What’s the name of the place we are stopping at? I think it’s called the Odd river at end of this ditch. Well boyo, here we are and just look at the feckin’ spot we’re going to stay! No roads lots of woods and trails next to a big river……the craic should be mighty, so!
Brody lad, the old git’s found a place where we can all swim – it’s just a short walk away and the mummylady has stopped bashing the yoke on her desk so it looks like we’ll all be going. Yippee!!
Jaysus Brody Lad, look at the spot he found us! All them sticks…….enough for a thousand mutts!! I’ll race you in!! Dive, dive, dive, woof, woof, whoof!! Look the old eejit’s built a camp, lots of shade on that grass bank. I would say we’re here for a while Brodster, happy days.
Mummylady wake up!! That little feckin’ knacker is swimming towards them rapid thins and if he gets in there he’s a goner!! Bloody hell Mummylady, you could have warned me you were gonna whistle, it’s damn near bust me drums, so it has! Look it, he’s still heading round the corner! He’s going to be in such trouble. Talking of trouble, the old git’s off looking for more roof material for his shelter, simple things eh, simple things.
Here’s she is now, back with the brat in tow and she don’t look best pleased. I think the little knacker’s in big trouble! And he can’t help it sure, he’s just a pikey from Essex after all, no fear and no idea of any type of ting.
Bosun! Wake up we need to do somefink! They was talking to Mr A over where he’s working on his barge and said we are going to move on. It can’t happen – this is the best place we’ve ‘ad so far!! Why do they call him Mr A? I don’t know, he seems a little tense to me and he don’t like talking about is boat. Humans are very strange creatures, that’s for feckin’ sure boy. Still that Mrs A is a very nice lady and she’s taken a shine to you Bosey.
Ah now I see it Brody boy they have found a good space up the creek in an harbour with water and shops and things and we’ve not gone far, so all’s not lost yet.
The old git’s been out on our scooter for ages and it’s getting bleeding hot ‘ere. He’s here Brody and they are laughing. What’s that he’s got? A big blue bag. Haven’t we got enough bags? Now, hold on a minute…… they are packing it with towels and swimming stuff……what’s going on? They’re saying they are going to put you in the bag Brody. Not a bleedin’ chance Bosey – I’m not a bit of shopping!! Not blinking likely old chum!
Brody lad, you’ve got to take one for the team ‘cos if you do we can all go to the swimming place in the Odd river. Cor blimey, the things I ‘as to put up wiv – what happend to a dogs dignity?
Actually Bosey, this is not bad. Quite comfy and I get to sit up front! You’re gonna be piggy-in-the-middle. Who cares Brodster, if it gets us to the river I can live with it.
‘ere Bosey, I heard them say there’s fireworks this weekend. Parties and bands and stuff so we should be good for a few treats! I don’t know Brodster, that band is very noisy and look they’re trying to wash all the kids at the same time – never seen so many soap bubbles!!
This has been one of best stops Bosun, loads of swimming, lots of eye candy walking around the port to chat up. Yeah lad, but do you have to be so feckin’ noisy? You know how he gets – you’ll have him on them little white pills forever if you don’t learn to keep the banter down a decibel or three!!
I will try harder bruv, especially this weekend because we have a big party all weekend and uncle Alan and aunty Sheila are staying over. Oh no! Looks like the party could be off Brody, as Mr A off that old barge has just told the old git we all have to leave ‘cos they want the port empty? What do you mean Bosey? No boats! That’s a bit daft, I thought humans folk liked looking at us on our kennel! Mr A said he tried to stop the eviction but he don’t trust the French so he’s going – looks like the games up and we also have to go.
It’s ok we are only going a few hundred yards, sorry metres (mustn’t forget we are on the continent eh?) We will park above next lock and walk back for party. Well I still don’t get why they want an empty port.
Hey Brody, we are off to watch the French guys jousting. What’s that then Bosey? Oh they sit on open kennels and try to knock each other off into the canal with that big pole thing. Sod that! We know how many nasties get in that water – not for me sonny boy not for me.
Chateuneuf de Pape Bosun, these Bargies get stranger and stranger! After meeting Mr A I sure as ‘ell hope we don’t meet Mr T or Ms VR for that matter! Whatever next, eh whatever next? I don’t know boy but knowing these two I’ll bet it’s off the wall. What a lark this boating is!
European Road Trip
‘Ere Bosey mate what’s going on? They have a car and are putting all our stuff in it. Looks like we’re off on one of their adventures Brody boy and from the craic I’ve heard it’s to some place called Portugal. Fecked if I’ve ever heard of it!
Now lad, you need to understand the rules of a long trip. I get first dibs on the seating arrangements, meaning I get the best spots on them pillows in the shade.
Bosey we’ve been travelling for bleedin’ hours! Is it much further as I need to poo? They must stop soon boyo, I heard them say we are now in another place called Spain and they will need food and the loo. And right on cue we are pulling over! Time to stretch the old legs lad. Jaysus Brody, it’s feckin’ hot out here – burning me tootsies it is! Get over on the sandy bit to cool the toes Brody. It’s like a bleedin’ oven out here Bos! I know lad, a quick pee and then back to me cool bed in the car.
This is it Brody boy, Portugal! I heard the eejits saying we will see Cara and Nick here as we are having a party for the Princess, it’s her 40th birthday! 40? Bleedin’ ‘ell Bosey, I never thought anyone got that old!
Looks like we are here Brodster! That’s our big hotel kennel for a few days and very posh it looks too! Should be fun, I bagsy the couch! They reckon this is a dog friendly hotel, but then why are there so many bleedin’ cats staying ‘ere Bosey? They’re everywhere, look! And it’s in the rules that I am not supposed to bark – what a laugh! Watch this for a cat scatter Bosey “woof, woof woof!!” It’s bleedin’ great sport!!
The eejits are going to try and find a beach that lets dogs play and pee Bosey, so we have to drive out of town near some cliff mummylady used to walk on when she worked here as a girl. This is more our thing Brody lad! It’s a great place to run around all these little trails and look that one goes down to beach! Last one down’s a knacker!! This is great Bosey, now Daddyman has found us our own little beach – coming for a swim? Just you mind out for sharks young’un.
Hey Bosun we are going into town, Albefurra or somefink, to get dinner. Hope it’s good. I heard some of this foreign grub can be rank. Bosey the other dogs here seem to be free to roam around chasing girls without their eejits, why is that? They are just runaways looking for people like ours so they get free food! Now what’s on menu tonight chicken Piri Piri sounds hot well see. Tomorrow we party.
This is going to be a surprise because Cara doesn’t know we are coming and the eejits want us to go into her kennel first to see what happens when she see us! Brodster, you go first as you look like any old mongrel – Cara would recognise me instantly as a Prince! Yeah, yeah whatever Bosey. Woof woof – hello everybody we’re here!! Look, she recognised you Bosey and is running for the door where the eejits are waiting. Why is she swearing and crying all at once Bosey? I don’t know lad, these humans are a strange bunch!
Bosey quick come ‘ere and take a butchers at the size of the pond they have in this kennel! This is going to be one great party! I’m off swimming and it’s nice and warm not like the sea earlier.
Now you listen to me squirt, you need to socialise and chat to all these other people, especially the girls ‘cos they make the biggest fuss of us, and just watch the amount of snacks we can bag in one day. Brody, get out of the feckin’ pool will you! You’ve been in there hours – you’ll get webbed feet? Oh sorry lad, I forgot you already have. Strange feckin’ mutt you are, and no mistake.
Bosun I feel a bit sick this morning. Not feckin’ surprised the amount of snacks you had and all that strange tasting water you drank when you were in the pond. Hours you spent in there, hours! You’re not all there boyo, not all there at all, so you’re not!
Well that’s it Brody lad, we are heading back to our river kennel today so another feckin’ 13 hours in the car! Still, it will give us a chance to catch up on our rest. See you in Homps lad, see you in Homps.
Busy in Busier
Blimey Bosey, that was some place that Busier. I know how it got it’s name, it’s very busy along the canal bank. Never seen so many gorgeous girls to chat up! Chat up Brodster? Daddy man got the right hump with all your monge too and Chatueneuf du Pap! Not sure who made the most fecking noise, you chatting to the girls or the old git telling you to stop!
So we’re on the move again Bosun, what we got to look forward to? Fecked if I know boy, but you can bet it will be interesting, I heard the eejits talking about the hazards over next few days and we both know what that means – more loud chatting! Mark my words sunny Jim.
Look Bosun – mummy lady has just jumped ship and ran away looks like she’s had enough! Na, it’s ok boy, she’s just taking a picture of us crossing the river. It’s going to be a laugh watching her trying to catch up and jump on as the old git’s not even slowing down! Pair of daft beggars and no mistake.
Well that’s a strange looking lock Brody! Loads of them all together and the eejits look a bit nervous. Look out boy, Daddyman is getting excited grabbing the big black ball fing and shouting at the French thumper boat coming in as he’s going too fast! Uh-oh, the man just told Daddyman to shut up Englishman and get on with Brexit, so hold on tight for bumpy ride!
It’s ok Bosey, the people who run the canal are here to help and he’s talking to the other captain – he’s going to quite things down. But why does he look mad at us? He won’t even help mummy lady with the rope and it’s too high for her to reach – look there’s three of them and they are all just watching!
Better hang on Brody boy as they are letting in water and opened the next gate before we’re up the first one! Look at the force of water, it’s like the bleeding gates broken! Never seen anything like it – better say your prayers lad!
Well, it wasn’t to bad except mummy lady still can’t reach with the rope and the three Musketeers still won’t help. Wonder what their job is? Ye think it would be to make life easier for boaters not stand around smoking and shouting useless orders. The old git’s not happy Brody, not feckin’ happy at all.
God Bosey, nine bleeding times we had to go through that! Between the drama and all the loud chatting I’m ready for a kip! Me too Brody, time to head below and look forward to next hazard – the narrow bridge at Capstang. The old git’s been rabbiting on about it since Arg mort. Funny old game this boating and they do this for fun!?
Walk on the Wild Side
They didn’t lie Bosey, this is a much better place! Lots of freedom and walks. Lots to see and bark at and some very strange creatures. Them big black cows with the big horns look a bit doggy to me, I’m keeping well clear. And as for them big birds wiv the red wings – they look pretty scary! Sure, you’re scared of your own shadow Brody, last night on our pee walk you was frikend by the noise of them frog things. Mind you, they did make a feckin’ racket!
Bosun, what’s this next place like, you’ve been here before ain’t ya? Well lad, Arggg Mort is a cool place – last time we came, the brick kennel we stayed in had its own pond for swimming every day! My mate Skipper came over one afternoon and we had a fine old time splashing around.
We must be close, because the eejits are all excited and she has them looky things out. Now they’re waving like nutters as they have seen their mates kennel. And look their mates are out on deck waving back. Look Brodster, that’s my old mate Skipper on the deck barking us a welcome! Me and ‘im was mates from way back when we was pups together in Turf Lock in England!
He’s a real ships dog like me – travelled all over the place in his floating kennel taking care of his pack. Ah nice one Bosey, it’ll be great to be able to bark in English instead of la woof, la woof all the bleedin’ time!
Bosey, I love these walks around the old castle walls in the morning and going along the board walk checking out the girls. It’s real class! Well, it was Brody lad, until you cocked your leg to pee near the edge to show off and did a full-on Del Boy “play it cool Bosey, play it cool” as you fell straight off and into the bush you was peeing on! It was a classic! Mummylady near wet herself laughing!
Tonight we are going with the eejits to the pub called Tac-Tac and once they have a few glasses of their happy juice we should be in for some treats lad. Just watch out for dropped popcorn, nuts and crisps – you mark my words. Morsels from heaven boy, morsels from heaven! So, sit tight and we are in for a feast!
Where are we going next? I think we are leaving here and buggered if I know why ‘cos it’s great here Bosey. Well lad, I heard we are going to some place called Canal du Midi and they say it’s going to be lots of freedom and swimming, so may be ok. Let’s wait and see what adventures the eejits get up to next – but you can be sure we’ll get some laughs Brody lad. You can bet your biscuits on that old boy!
The Last Leg……..Literally!
At last Brody, they’ve found somewhere to stop! What a couple a days eh? First they take us away from a great river with loads of stones to find and bury and brilliant places to walk, then they go for miles without stopping!
What was the best bit of that big river trip for you Bosey? Getting the feck off it lad! Oh, well, I liked the place where they took us for long walks up to that old bridge over the dry river. They said somefink about it was built by Romans thousands of years ago! Well lad, maybe that’s why you got scolded when you jumped 4ft up on to its wall – mummy lady probably thought it would fall down. Yeah I know Bos – mummylady never told me off like that before. But It did look a bit dodgy builder style – somefink the old git would build! Still, what a lark eh?
Yep, that was the last good walk we had and as for that big place with a palace for them god botherers – it was all on leads and no chance to run. I dunno about you but I hated that Bosey . And constant bleeding story’s about B bleeding 1 and how he was on stage here in front of thousands. Yeah Brody lad, me too. The eejits said he stole the show…..we need to come up with a plan to top that.
Then we was promised some place called Valuebrigs, or somfink, wiv a big park and lake by the river. They said there’d be lots of freedom. Sounded brilliant but what happens? No room here and on we go down river to a place what them Romans built. Arls or somefink like that.
God Bosey it’s getting late – I hope we get there soon ‘cos I really really need to wee! Well Brodster it won’t take long………look at how fast we are going!
I don’t like sound of it Brody lad, mummylady said the landing place has gone and the only little floaty thing here looks full of them kennels for fish. She says don’t worry she has a plan……..yikes we all know what that may lead to…. disaster! But look, they’ve managed with some of that loud chatting they do to get the kennel tied up so shore leave here we come!!
Baggsy me first up the ramp Bosey…beauty before age! Now what’s she on about – the gates locked and we can’t get to the park…..I thought they had planned this trip! Aw sod it Bosey, I have to go so let’s wet the planks. No chance young fella, that’s so undignified and if the eejit thinks him peeing on that old pile of rope will fool me in to covering it, he’s off ‘is nut!
Brody lad, that was a long night but they say there’s a place just round the bend on the petit Roone to stop but I’ll believe it when I’m on dry land! I need to cock me leg up a tree, like what’s dignified for us prince’s. Look, I telt ya, it’s full so on we go and I’m fit to bust!
Now we’re through the lock she’s saying to the eejit to pull up on the bank and let us off……. and it’s looking like he might even give it a go. Youreka he’s made it! I’m off and could be some time. Looks like we’re in dog country at last boyo…….let’s hope it lasts Brody lad, lets hope it lasts.
Lazybones Learns the Ropes
Bosey, look it’s one of them fair fings next to where we’re tying up the kennel. It’s one of them what got mummy lady frighkend last year. Do you fink she’ll go on it again? Not a chance Brody lad, she’s given up that kind of excitement cos, after all, she’s got locks to do with Daddyman and that’s all the excitement she needs lol!! And look! They’re buying them long sweet yokes that we like, so this is a good start to our stop here.
Bosey they’re off out wivout us! I don’t like it when they go out and leave us here alone. Them knackers from the fair could come and nick us for doing that dog fighting! I heard the oldies talking and Daddyman said we were useless and lazy and only good for taking up space on the sofa so we need to do somefink, you know, help out more.
I have a plan to get back in their good books – watch and learn old boy, watch and learn.
Rhône’s got the woof factor Bro’
Well Bosy old boy the fun season starts again, new walkies every day and new adventures. Hope we meet lots of new mates like Old Ozzy in Trevoux! He was fun – I even let him share my dinner after an evening down the pub.
Yea I know what you mean Brody but I didn’t think much of the big city stop at Leeon, not much freedom to sniff out prey and chase them. But I think we will get more freedom going down the Roone heading for the sea I heard them say, you’ll love that boy – swim till we drop!
Where are we going today Bosy, it’s a big river called the Roone or somfink should be interesting. I mean, look at that floating kennel – I bet you can get thousands of us on there!! They say it’s a hotel – having a laugh ain’t they – hotels don’t float down rivers!
Well young fella here’s one of them lock things they call them. It’s fecking big eh? Only our kennel in here and there’s room for loads more. Hey Bosy it’s still going down look at the size of it I hope that bleeding gate holds or were all swimming for it!
This new place condreeo is brill, look we can get free and down to the water – and it’s clean! Not like that smelly crap that made you so ill eh Bos?
Come on Brody they’re miles behind why can they never keep up – race you back!!
See the old guys picking flowers trying to get back in mummy lady’s good books after their little difrence of opinion yesterday getting into the lock. He’s such a crawler!
This Roone is gonna be a lot of fun! By the way Brodster, did you see that cat on the next jetty? We’ll give him a good chase later when it’s dark and we can sneak up on ‘im. Life is for living Brody lad; life is for living.
Fair Play Mummylady
Bosun, why is the boss of the port asking us to move our kennel? Because it’s my worst nightmare, Brody! Remember Reims? All that fecking noise from fireworks? It’s happening here Saturday night and they are scared that fire might fall on the kennel. Let’s move on to the countryside Daddyman…..please!!
Bosun, I think we are going to “the fair” Mummylady called it. What the bleedin’ ‘ell is one of them? It’s more noise and lights, Brody lad, screaming fecking kids everywhere. I don’t understand what Mummylady likes about them. Still they get lots of titbits and we’ll get a share, so it’s not all bad, youngster. And remember your manners, I get first dibs on all treats!
Mummylady is teasing the old eejit about going up in that flashing tree but he’s not having any off it. Not on your life he said. Still, she’s going on her own. There she goes Bosun – her and some other girls that are only kids. Whoa look at her now! Upside down and screaming like a banshee! Ya wouldn’t believe she was fifty this year, Brody!
Look Bosun, the thing is slowing down and the Mummylady is shouting something at the eejit about she’s lost her glasses. Whoa, it’s off again! And she’s screaming again – I don’t think it’s for fun.
Daddyman says we need to check around the ground for the glasses but it’s pitch-black dark! I think he’s lost it – too much beer! Nothing up this side and he says it’s not on the platform, now where is he going? Around the back! He’ll never find them round there, it’s darker still!
Brody, what’s that there? It’s like a plastic bottle or something, Bosun. No it’s not Brody, he’s walking past it, but I am sure I can smell Mummylady around here. Let’s pull up and check it out. Bosun, you’ll get in trouble pulling like that! What’s up boys? The eejit says, and looks down at where we are looking. He smiles and says that’s £600 worth of doggy treats we owe you Bosun, I do love getting a big fuss!!
We need to get back and find Mummylady and give here the good news. She just keeps saying I can’t believe you found them. And that was the scariest f——–g ride she has ever been on and that she’ll never do it again. Humans, I’ll never understand them, Brody lad.
A Sniff of Fortune
When we arrived in St Jean de Losne we were happy to see we got the kennel parked right next to a doggy spa so plenty of swimming for me and old Bosey.
The eejits are taking us all out to lunch Brody so a good chance of meeting other interesting pooches and get the odd morsel of this french cuisine they keep talking about. Just remember your place young ‘un, I get first dibs on any leftover boeuf bourguignon and by the looks of the size of those plates of food there will be plenty!
Bosun, that was an interesting chat we had with Aaron the Truffle Hound under the table next to us. He says he will make his owners a fortune hunting truffles and he reckons any dog can be taught how to find them. So that’s what I want to do, learn to be a Truffle Dog and earn enough money to get all the treats we can ever eat – and think of the girls we will attract when we are rich Bosun……I can’t wait!!
Bosey, how fast are these Truffles? Will I be able to catch them? Jaysus Brody, you’re an eejit.
Hole at the Top of the Hill
Bosun, is it true that we are going through another big hole in the hill along the canal with the kennel?, Sure is and it’s going to be another long day boy, holed up here on the bench with you whining!
Bosun, I don’t like this it’s very dark and I can’t see Mummylady when she’s up at the sharp bit shouting “Port a bit”, “Bow wow out a bit” to Daddyman, who seems a bit stressed himself. Can we pass the time having a chat Bosey? Jaysus, if we must and it cheers you up but no more snivelling.
Why are we going through the hole Bosun? Well, because they want to get to a place they call the Soane. They said the swimming will be good and we are going to take a wee break so may be worth it. That sounds good to me mate, I bleedin’ loves swimming – I get to use these funny web feet of mine! I hope there are lots of sticks too.
Bosun, is it because you’ve got a short tail that you can swim faster than me? Don’t be feckin’ stupid ya young scallywag, I have a short tail because I come from Irish doggy aristocrat parents. They were champions you know, and we still go hunting back in Kildare – a tail just gets in the way. Bosey, can I get a short tail, so people will think I am posh like you is. Brody, you’re a mad whore of a pup. You’re an Essex pikey with no class or manners so get used to it and pass me the rest of your boneo.
Bosun we have been in here hours, are the eejits lost? I can’t see a thing can you? Yeah young’un, there’s a little glimmer of light – I think that’s the end and hopefully somewhere to stop as I need a pee.
Feel the Feckin’ Breeze
Brody, come out quick and come and see the size of this swimming place! It’s feckin’ huge like the Blackwater! This is our kind of place! Come on up the sharp end for a gander at the place, Look, there’s a man and woman waving at Mummylady and it looks like a parking spot for kennels. Let’s hope we get some good girl chasing in and some good nights on the town with lots of them nice foody bits we gets for being good.
Bosey, did you see the beauty on the big red kennel next to us? She’s gorgeous, I’ve got my eye on her. We will see, young’un, we will see.
Well, I’ve have just met her, and her name is Emma and she’s a Woodle so kind of a cousin I suppose. Do you think its ok to make a pass at a cousin Bosun? I know its ok in Ireland to kiss your cousins ain’t it? Cheeky beggar, I’ll give you smack in the kisser and put end to your shenanigans!
Hello, who’s this Bosey? Not sure pup but he’s an old fella for sure, but friendly enough, look at his tail wagging. Well, Brody lad, it was a pleasure to meet Norbert, John and Georgie’s doggy companion. It is a rare thing to meet a fellow canine who has reached the ripe old age of 105 doggy years.
Brody, shake a leg boy, we are going to the river for a swim, all of us. Last one in is a mongrel!! It’s going to be close! Hold up young’un, what the feck is that at the swimming step? It’s wiggling and don’t look too friendly and Mummylady is shouting for us to stop, so hold up till we get the nod. Is it a snake Mummylady asks the eejit. I don’t feckin’ know, he says, I didn’t see it. Well I’m not sure it’s a swim I really want anyway Brody, we’ll come back later and see if it’s gone.
Come on Brody back to the water. Mummylady has asked the lady captain and she said they are harmless little snakes and are more scared of us than even you are of it Brody. Thank bleedin’ god for that as I love this place and hope we stay for a long time. And anyway, I wasn’t really scared of it Bosun. Oh no young’un? So why did you jump backwards with all 4 feet in the air when you saw it then? Don’t be mean Bosey……….now where did that Emma go?
Well Bosun I am sad to be leaving the pond in the park, it was really great here catching up with Danai and having nice walks and meeting all the new chicks. Life is really super-duper at the moment. Yeah, I’ll give you that me boy, we had great craic – especially mummy lady showing the knackers some Shillelagh law.
Are we going to have a long day Bosey? I don’t think so lad, they said we will only go half way to our next stop today so paws crossed we will find a place with a pool. Brody quick look it’s our kind of place a big huge field with short grass and there are tables and chairs that the eejits like for their food burning ceremonies. You’re right Bosun and we are getting ready to stop and tie up the kennel – at last!
It’s ok but the bank is too high for swimming, so we may as well have a game of British bulldogs – bagsy I go first!! Woooof, too slow old man!
Looks like we are off for a look around as Daddyman is carrying our leads – let’s go see Brody. On my way cocker, on my way. Hey Brody, look another bridge after the canal and is that running water I hear? Me thinks a swim is coming! Yeah Bosey, look a nice beach and place to swim……but why is Daddyman going back the other way?? Yap yap this is all wrong! Well I am dragging my paws as that’s so unfair – I want to go swimming Bosey.
Cheer up Brody he’s only come back to get Mummylady and his swim pants, we are defo still on for a swim! Here we all go! Brody look at the beach it’s great – last one in’s a Nancy boy.
Bosun, this is a real strange pool – I am swimming like mad in one place and not moving and if I go over there I go around in circles – what the bleedin’ ‘ell is going on!! I know little’un – be careful if you get caught in one of those swirly pools ‘cos you’re a gonna and I won’t save you!! But it’s great fun and look out, here come the eejits splashing and acting the bowsey. Bosun, do you think they will ever grow up? I hope not Essex boy, I hope not.
Bosun…….. What now yer little git? Aww, don’t be rotten Bosey I only ask questions because you know everything. Ok what is it then? This has been a long holiday – how long is it gonna last? Who knows Brody boy, who knows.
Glad to be outa that bleedin’ City Bosun! It was ok but not enough freedom for me, where are we going next old boy? I’ll give you old boy, you little Limey git and I don’t know but it’s not far as Harvey and his mob are coming over I heard the eejits saying. By the way Bosey why are the eejits slapping themselves all the time and acting like they’ve been possessed. We’re ok, there’re no flies on us young’un.
This is great place Bosun look at the swimming place loads of fishermen to annoy! Yeah, and look at the park Brody, more free time me thinks. Come on pops, walkies!
They’re here Bosun!! And Harvey is looking like he could do with a swim. Maybe we’ll all go to the little beach down by our waterfall – let’s see if Harvey can swim. Swim Brody? The big git nearly drowned me – stood on my head he did. That’ll teach you what it’s like then Bosun, do you remember Estrun?
Brody, we are going out with them today – all of us in Nick’s car, so we won’t have to stay and guard the kennel. Trouble is I’ll have to be in close-quarters with Harvey – and you know how much he winds me up. I like him Bosun, he’s always good for a play.
This is a funny day out Brody lad, they keep stopping at little gravestones dotted around the bushes and looking at the names – sometimes getting a bit over excited. Maybe they are looking for old friends.
Bosun, I heard Nick tell Harvey we are going to some old woods where we can run free. It’s trillions of years old, so it will probably smell a bit. Funny looking trees Bosey, all wiggly. How do we pee on them without getting drip-back. A bit tricky me thinks Brody lad. Ok, time to head back and get a swim Bosun – it’s so hot I could drink the canal dry.
I’m really sorry to see Harvey go Bosun, he’s been a good laugh – especially when he fell off the kennel and into the canal, but he’s off to our house down in Diou so he’ll probably get to use our pool and play with your old balls. Steady on young fella, I am staying here!
Lake in the Park
How many more bleedin ’locks are we going to do today we’ve been travelling for hours and I need a swim Bosun. Not long I think as they are looking at that book for swimming places. Oh, please let this be the last lock today Bosun………..oh look – there’s Danai’s kennel!!! There’s room for us behind them and Danai’s mum and dad are helping us tie up our kennel. This is good news Brody boy, they are talking about something called a concert in the park so it looks like we could be in for a big break – could even be a week.
I love this place Bosey, loads to do great walks and swimming and look at all the pretty girls around! I wish I could speak their language, so we could chat them up. This is a nice little bar on the lake Brody, lots of people out walking their dogs. Let’s try our luck with the fillies’……wow look at his cutie coming in Bosun, she’s loooovely. Step aside boy this is a time to watch and learn. But Bosey she’s far too young for you – who do you think you are, dad?
Hard as he tried with all his cheesy lines she didn’t want to know Bosun but had her eye on Brody and soon they were cavorting around like the two love struck puppies they were. Bosun turned his back and was heard muttering something about beginners luck .Brody didn’t care he had fallen for Nuri big time. Unfortunately he had to learn that love never runs smooth as Nuri and her Belgian family had to go back home early the next day. Sweet dreams ye little knacker said Bosun with a wry smile.
We are going out with them late tonight to the concert thing Brody, so this should be different. Wow Bosun, look at all the people and their dogs dancing around and lots of big open kennels with flashing lights and noise! This really is something new eh Bosey? Nah, we used to go to them a lot before you turned up lad, it’s no big deal. The eejits have got some of the Champagne stuff they seem to like – oh, and mummy lady has put a rug on the floor for us all to sit on, this is more like it.
What’s up Bosun, you seem a bit on edge? Something’s not right lad…….here we go! What’s all that shouting Bosun? And why are those men pushing and pulling at each other? Oh no, there are loads of people joining in – men and women – and they’re right next to us…..what will we do Bosun?? They’re knackers Brody – ooops, one of them knocked into mummy lady and nearly stepped on me. Uh Oh, mummy lady has the champagne bottle in her hand ready to brain any of them that come near!!! I heard her say to daddy man if they hurt my boys I’ll teach them some Basildon manners!! But it all calmed down and we went back to watching someone they called a Russian screamer, bring back the scrappers I say it was more entertaining, Time for a snooze………..
Reims – Home of Joan of Bark
Bosun what’s this place? It looks big with lots of horrible looking kennels with big chimneys. It’s called Reims, or so they say, but the French are calling it Rass or something, and you can only pronounce it in French if you can roll your arrrrrse, so you should be ok with that wiggle you’ve got going on, Brody boy. I think it’s bigger than Maldon. What, old man, my wiggle or this place??
Brody come up and see where they are parking the kennel. It’s in the middle of the town with lots of traffic and not much sign of any freedom walks. I guess British bulldog is off for a while.
Three lead walks around a town Bosun, is not my idea of fun. Time to put on the “poor me” face and get the heartstrings going. Go on Essex boy, use the charm on her.
Brody, I heard her say its Bastille Day here and there is a big fireworks display tonight – and I hate the feckin’ things, they make me very jumpy. Aww, don’t be sad old man, they can’t hurt you. It’s illegal to hurt dogs these days. Maybe so, but they hurt my feckin’ ears, so I am off to find a hidey hole for the night.
Bosun, you missed out. You should have heard the noise and seen the colours….it was magical!! Magical me arse, it’s my worst feckin’ nightmare!! Still, I’m glad it’s over. Everything will be back to normal tomorrow. He’s not heard about the football then, thought Brody.
At bleedin’ last Bosun, they’ve found a walk across the canal where we can be free and run around and there is even a place to swim!!! Oh yes, things are looking up Paddy!! I’ll give you Paddy, you little whipper snapper, if I catch you…… That’s a big threat from an old man……last one in is a loser!!
Now Brody, this may seem like a chore but when they take us to a restaurant we have to sit under the table and be on the best behaviour. Believe me it’s worth it – I just hope they’re having steak.
I told you boy! Was that burger special or what? Top prime French beef. Let’s get home for a kip.
Bosun, what’s happening now? Why are all the French people painting their faces and waving flags and shouting? It’s got something to do with world peace, or world crufts, or world something anyways. I’m sure that’s what the eejits said, it’s all very hi-brow.
Are they going to watch the telly all day Bosey? I need to pee and have a swim but it’s getting very noisy again with cars everywhere blowing their barker. And look! They must be poor. Their cars are not big enough – they have people in the boot and sitting on the roof – and some even have their washing hanging out of the windows!! I’ll be glad to get to bed and dream of open fields and British bulldogs………….dreeeeaming.
Bosun, the Dutch people are leaving and taking Heidy away. No more face-booking with her I suppose. I was just getting into her, she was lovely, and an orphan from Greece! Maybe we will see her further down the cut Brody, because they are heading the same way. I heard her dad tell Daddy man they could get fuel together at Vitry. Ahh, loves young dream. What a sad little Essex git you are Brody – time for a swim!
That was another great walk and swim Bosun. I think I’m tired and off to bed to dream of Dutch and French fillies. It’s the wanderer’s life for me old man, the wanderers life for me. Sweet dreams all.
Hooked on This
Well Brody boy, see what happens when you let your gob run away with you? I said run and get yer head down and hide until they went away but no not you grrrrr woof and bark like you are some kind of scrapper pikey from Ballymun! Now we will have to find a new place after we get through the hole in the hill. I’m sorry Bosun, but I bark when I am nervous.
Bosun, it’s been a long time since we stopped and I need to go. Well, that’s the craic, the eejits are moaning there are no good stopping places so you’ll just have to cross your legs boy, until they find one.
Boson, look they are heading for the side by that big house with a nice big lawn and a great place for our British bulldog’s game. Bagsies being the first ashore Bosun – that big tree has my name all over it!
“Come on you two” Daddyman shouts, “time for a walk and explore”. Bosun, it’s a great place – lots of nice short grass to roll in and lots of birds and butterflies to chase……yippee!!
Bosun. Bosun. Bosun. What now you little messer? Questions, questions! I am away in the head with your constant yapper. I know I drive you bleedin’ nuts Bosey, but why is the eejit picking all them flowers – ain’t that a girly thing? You have a lot to learn boyo. Women love flowers and if they’ve got what they call “the hump” nothing’s surer to make them happy again than some lovely flowers. That eejits not as daft as he looks. Well, I suppose nobody could be that dumb, eh Bosey! Don’t let him hear you, he can be very sensitive, or so they say…….
Great walk this morning Bosun, I wish we didn’t have to move on it’s a nice place. “Come on boys back on board, we are off to a new canal today with lovely stopping places”. Yeah, we’ve heard that before. Come on Bosey, one last chase before we go! No chance boy, the penalty for jumping ship can mean a while in the brig (Bathroom). Sod it, I am up for a laugh – watch this!!! Ahh, for fecks sake!! Brody leaps off the kennel just as we pull away from the bank followed quickly by the Mummy lady chasing him. The eejit is shouting “everybody get back on this boat this bloody minute!”. Brody thought it was great fun running around in front of the big house; around all the cars with Mummy lady in hot pursuit trying out all her tricks to get him to stop. A window at the big house opened and a lady looked out and was laughing shouting Allez petit Chien!! vite vite!! Oh, this is brilliant! I’m running like a looney, mummy lady is running like a looney’s mate….I’ve never had so much fun!! In the end everyone was laughing except Mummy lady – she scooped me up and it was just as Bosun warned – straight to the brig! But it was worth it for the laugh and once the door was shut it gave me a chance to catch my breath!
Chauny to the OK Canal
Bosun, where are we going this week I heard the eejits saying its very pretty canal with lots of places to swim. I don’t know youngfella but it’s a different canal over a huge mountain and I heard talk of another fecking hole in the hill, so it should be some more serious craic.
Have you ever seen so many bleedin’ trees Bosun? Ach Brody, a dog would never be stuck for a place to go so, and I hope we stop soon as I need to use them.
And we did, above a lock with a nice big lawn and plenty of space for a game of British Bulldog, Brody’s favourite game – attacking me at full tilt bouncing off and running by before turning for another go. Jaysus, I have the patience of a saint to put up with the cheeky little messers antics.
Up early and head for the summit and another hole in the hill. This time we are on our own so there are no useful tips and help from the VNF men. What can go wrong.
This looks a good place to stop Bosun, but it’s probably too soon as we have only been going for an hour – but look at the big lake for swimming! Get up there Brody, and let the mummy lady know we need a stop. Use some of that supposed charm ye have on her – you know she falls for it every time, you being the young brat that you are.
Bosun, it’s worked! We are stopping here she wants to have a swim with us and says as we have been such good boys we deserve the treat. Aha, thinks Bosun, I need to use the little messer more with his cockney charm.
The eejits found a good place to tie up the kennel along a big dock, but we’re not so sure as the boy fishing there doesn’t look to happy about it – in fact he looks miserable and put out. The Daddy man puts the kennel alongside first time without any loud instructions to the mummy lady, so all is calm in the hood.
Daddy man does the usual and puts up the fence at the ramp to freedom, so me and Brody boy are kept safe while the eejits sort out the kennel. They allow me and Brody to run around and see what’s what.
Just as we was all getting used to the place, two giant wolfs came running at the ramp barking and snarling, Brody started to yelp back and I was about to tell him to shush as he would make them mad, but before I had time to say it the first of the wolves jumped clean over the gate – whilst his mate crashed straight through it smashing it to bits!! I backed off growling as the wolves went for Brody. “Run” I shouted “retreat back to kennel”, just as Daddy man threw a wild kick towards the first wolf slowing him down giving Brody time to escape.
Me and Brody got inside the wheelhouse to watch the craic just as a man approached and called off the wolves – he gave Daddy man a real evil look.
The man, who seemed to be in charge of the harbour, took the wolves away then came back and said it was 7 euros to stay and if you need water it’s over there, miles away. Daddy man said “your attitude stinks, your bleedin’ dogs have destroyed my fence and it cost more than 7 bloody euros!”. After that things went downhill fast. Daddy man told Napoleon he would report him to the people in charge at VNF and claim for the damage. Brody looked over at me and said how did Daddy man know the man name was Napoleon, it’s a gift mummy lady said.
Looks like the swimming’s off the agenda today Brody me boy and after some firm negotiation between Daddy man and Napoleon we left and headed for the hole in the hill. Joy of joys, where did it all go wrong? They should just have left the wolves to me and I would have taught them some Shillelagh law. What a day, Brody lad, what a day.
Fallen Trees and Big Black Holes
Today we left our nice village mooring near Banteaux to head to the grand tunnel. Daddy man said to mummy lady he was a bit nervous as we would have to share with another two kennels.
We were only one lock in when we saw the other two kennels stopped on the bank. I heard daddy man say there was a tree over the canal blocking the way.
After we stopped and daddy man checked things out, the men decided to move the tree by tying it to our kennel and pulling it back. But that didn’t work as our kennel went full pelt backwards then full pelt forwards again. Just then, men in blue turned up and said leave it to them so with their boats and chainsaws they set to work and the kennel eejits sat and drank beer and wine and gave lofty opinions on how it should be done.
Brody decided it was time to go out and meet everyone, including the men in blue – they all thought he was great craic. The man called Rien from the Dutch kennel got down and rolled around canal bank with Brody – feckin’ eejit!!
Me and Bosun spent the evening running from kennel to kennel looking for treats – and we scored loads!! 5 o’clock, on the dot, the men in blue downed tools and went for tea promising to be back at 8am the next day to remove tree. No one believed them.
We went to visit another kennel a bit like ours ,though more like the vets. Very clean and surgical wiv no beds for pets or dog food.
The next morning Brody said, Bosun get up the men in blue are back with more kit and men!! They quickly cut a hole big enough to get our kennels through and off we went, to go through a big hole in a big hill, apparently.
So, here we are, Brody lad, on the bench seat in the wheelhouse to watch the shenanigans as they tie all the kennels together. There are lots of loud discussions about how it should be done. A Frenchie shouting “I am in charge” and daddy man saying not of my barge your not! Eventually all the kennels are tied together and we set off. Brody boy, if we have any sense we’ll get our heads down and hang on tight – this could be a bumpy ride.
Well leave it out matey, but the minute we left the shouting started. No, not mummy lady and daddy man to each other – they were on the same side – they were asking the frenchie if he had parents. He was telling mummy to tighten a rope that had full weight of Thirza on it – she pretended not to speak French and things got a little stressful. Time for a kip Brody me lad till this is over.
Well, we bounced down the tunnel back and forth – the Brits in the lead boat couldn’t steer straight and the Dutch on second boat bounced off the walls. Daddy man kept calm and used the bowwow thruster to correct our course.
How bleeding long is this tunnel, Bosun? I don’t like the dark and all the noise. Suddenly 5.67kms and 2 hours later we broke out into the daylight and proper canal. The kennel is a bit dirty but no worse for wear.
What a bleedin’ ‘orrible experience Bosun, I hope it’s the last. Time for walkies!!
The Real France
Today we are leaving our lovely lake for swimming but Mummy lady said don’t worry we will enter the real French canals today? We’re not sure what’s wrong with here.
Well the first two locks went well. The eejits seem to have worked out a system at last and we can get peace and quiet to catch up on our sleep. Sorry Brody me boy, I spoke too soon – look at what the water pouring into side of the lock is doing to the steering – he’s all over the place! Cover your ears lad, this could get very frank!
Sure enough Thirza bounced off both walls and he’s shouting very loud instructions in possibly French to the first mate, and she’s reverted to the hand signals. Still at least we made it in safe (eventually).
Bosun, it’s very quiet now – we haven’t seen any of the great big floating kennels for hours and these two seem to have relaxed; a cheerful ambiance has returned.
Bosun, Mummy lady said we are going to stop as it looks like a nice place coming up. Whoa! Look Bosun, another great place for swimming and walking….. yippee!! Time for a swim we think. Mummy lady and Daddy man are putting on their swim stuff so looks like we are all going. Last one in is a Frenchie!
Bosun, I bleedin’ love it when they throw sticks for us to race and get and I think I should get a head start as I am littler than you. No chance Brody, each dog for itself (SPLASH). Haha Bosun you missed and I’ve got it! Not so fast you little Messer, have some of that! Bosun promptly stood on Brody’s head and ducked him under the water, picked up the stick and swam ashore looking very pleased with himself. Brody crawled ashore and said “That’s got to be against the bleedin’ rules mate”. Everyone except Brody had a good giggle.
Where are we going today Bosun? As far as I know we are off to a big town called Cambrai as we need supplies and some bits for the kennel. This is the time for some romance lad, the big towns are full of French fillies. You can watch how the master does it.
This looks like a great place Bosun, look we have shade from trees and our very own pool next to the kennel.
Ok so, first target is heading for the pool – watch and learn pup. Bonjour mamselle la bichon frise. Voulay vou swim with moi sir swar? “I am sorry Irish, but I do not speak English!”. “Strike one!” said Brody.
Not long after another black poodle approaches the swim ramp and Bosun’s over there like a whippet. “Bonjour mamselle”. This time a more favourable response so Bosun turns and winks at Brody. Too late he realises his mistake – it’s a monsieur! Bosun backs away carefully. Brody lad, time for a swim me thinks!
Bosun, so much has happened over the past 3 days, do you think we will stay here? I don’t know Brody lad, watch this space!
They seem very busy, Bosun, all this painting and putting new stuff in the kennel what’s their game mate?
Sure, Brody you’re a very cute little messer but Jaysus you have a lot to learn about these two eejits. hey do what they call adventures and believe me I have already suffered a few that could leave a dog feckin traumatised. Sure, wasn’t I only 10 weeks old when they took me with them back to England via the Isles of Scilly on a friggin’ huge yacht. You try peeing at a 45 degree angle – I had to use me legs as outriders to keep me steady! I heard the daddy man talk about crossing the ditch to France – it sounds like we are in for a big one and holy mother of Jaysus! may the lord be with us as someone needs to be able to navigate.
Bosun, why are we leaving in the dark? It’s a bit scary.
Aah shut-up wittering boy and look for your life jacket it could get messy before long.
Bosun, I feel sick why is the kennel rocking all over the place I just want to die.
Brody lad, with these eejits in charge you may just get your wish. Get your head down and kip son, me best advice.
Bleedin’ ‘ell Bosun, I never want to do that again hope we get ashore soon I am busting to pee! 14 bleedin’ hours without one has me bladder popping. It smells really funny here it’s like when the bog broke in the kennel.
Aah sure don’t worry boy, it’s just the French aroma – you’ll soon get used to it.
Bosun, this is ok, now we can run around the kennel and yap at all the little French fillies on the bank – some of them are not too bad looking eh?
Listen to me boy, stay away from them Frenchie’s or you’ll end up smelling of feckin garlic and stinking out the kennel. Look out Brody boy they are going to manoeuvre into a tight harbour and this can get frantic, the skipper thinks he’s the best but he’ll make a cock of it and blame everyone else so head down until they tie up, calm down and take us walkies is my advice.
Well I’ll be B………. backwards he did ok even the first mate is impressed maybe this adventure won’t be too bad after all let’s go do Watten, poo and pee time.
Bosun, what’s that big wall in the canal? how can we get any further?
Jaysus boy, questions, questions! I hope it’s not going to be like this every day. What your looking at is a lock that lifts the kennel up so we can go inland, which is a good thing as our lives are no longer at risk, but should be good for a laugh when they cock it up and believe me boy the both will.
Wow Bosun, look at the big harbour they have behind that gate, and look at the size of the barge they are putting in with us hope we fit.
This should be mighty craic as the Frenchie has left his engine going – wait for the fun. Sure, enough we hit the wall bounced off along it Daddy man shouting “tie off the back” to Mummy lady even though he is about eight feet off and the water is rough and throwing us all over the lock, time to get the head down boy until this is over. Brody lad, did you notice how Daddy man switched to fluent French?
Well Brody me boy, they seem to be getting the hang of things now, no dramas for last two days and they have been out to eat and drink and seem in much better humour but believe me it won’t last there are too many locks to go.
Well Brody this looks like the place I heard them say its Courcelles les Lens and look at the size of the swimming lake! Let’s hope we can stay here a while.
Yeah I agree mate, it’s so bleeding hot my furs sticking to my bits.
As we tied Thirza to the pontoon a great big furry dog named Deepa came to say hello and seemed to take a shine to me and even though I couldn’t understand a word he said we still had good play while Bosun rested and kept a careful watch on him. After lunch Mummy lady took us for a a swim and we both found our own sticks it was great fun. Sitting here watching the sunset I think I am going to enjoy this barging lark after all